Sex positions that are a no-go

by Joseph Printer
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We’ve all heard about injuries that have occurred as a result of sex. Usually, though, these injuries happen because of where people have been having sex. For example, you might have heard the one about your mate bashing his girlfriend’s head against a coffee table. Or perhaps you’ve heard about the time your best friend fell off the balcony because he wanted to “try something different.” And then, of course, there’s the time your friends ended up in hospital after slipping in the shower.

This is not to even touch upon the injuries that have occurred because we’ve tried aggressive drunk sex.

But injuries because of an unusual sex position? Could it be true? Yes! No matter how adventurous we want to be, we sometimes have to err on the side of caution – because we’re not invincible. Okay, there are some sex positions we’d just love to try because they sound amazing, but we’re gonna give you some advice now: If a sex position sounds dangerous, it probably is! What’s the worst that can happen, you ask? How about a broken penis?!

The Keen Chef

 If you lift your woman onto a counter – such as the ones you’ll find in your kitchen – it’s sometimes the case that you have to stretch to reach her, which means you’ll be standing on your tiptoes. Sure, it sounds like an exciting position. But what happens if your penis slips out and in your excitement, you try to slot it back – but miss the target and slam it into the counter? Or worse still, her pubic bone? What happens is penile fracture. Oops.

The Swiss Ball Blitz

 The Swiss Ball Blitz can definitely be fun (the name itself just sells it to us), but sometimes you’ve gotta think about your penis. Did you know that penis breaks happen mostly when your dick pops out and you hastily slip it back in? The Swiss Ball Blitz involves a LOT of up and down bounce, and the chances of your cock slipping out are greatly enhanced. Imagine if it slips out just at the precise moment that your woman is about to crash back down on you? Ouchies.

The Cowgirl Plus Lean Back

 The cowgirl position can be fun; after all, your girl is on top and she’s straddling you. When she leans forward, it’s fine. You feel fucking awesome. But when she leans back? Hmm, maybe tell her to get back on over here. The problem, you see, is that when she leans back, your penis can be “hyperextended”. An extended penis sounds good; but a hyperextended penis? That’s asking for trouble, because if you keep on treating your cock schlong like this, the chances are that it’s going to bend while erect. And that pretty much rules out sex altogether. FOREVER.

If all that hasn’t got you feeling a little delicate down under, we don’t know what will. Pass the whiskey …

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